In the middle of it

I’ve been dealing with some pretty substantial in medias res grief lately. I feel like I’ve seen many movies and read many things and talked to many friends who have gone through this kind of grief. It’s sadly not rare. 

But I don’t think any of those things prepared me for how this would feel. 

There are things like, say, childbirth. That people try to prepare you for, but they really can’t because it’s so different than anything that has come before. And then you experience it and say all the same cliched things. It’s just the difference between hearing those cliches like “the days are long but the years are short” and living them so heart forward. 

But this grief has been something different for me. What I am feeling doesn’t match what I’ve seen or heard or absorbed from movies. I feel pulled apart. My brain feels strained like it can’t fully process what is happening. I feel tired. I feel dissociated and out of my body. 

I feel like I’ve written about so many very personal things that I thought were unique. Only to hear from so many others that they were actually universal. Maybe grief is the exception. 

Because there’s no part of me that’s like “Oh, they were right! It does feel this way…” or “Wow look at me saying the same old dumb cliches as everyone else. . .” 

No one ever said to me, “You will feel strangely out of space and time and thirty minutes will exhaust you beyond belief and you’ll feel like your soul has been drawn and quartered in a way it never has before. You will be the emotional and mental after picture of Humpty Dumpty.”

Anyway, if you haven’t seen me around the community or in-office hours lately or I haven’t been as present in our friendship, it’s not you, it’s my family situation. It doesn’t care about all the things on my to-do list. It’s just going to take the space it feels like taking, and I’m hoping to find a way to be whole at the end of it all.   

Hugs if you are in this too. 

I hate the term sandwich generation. Sandwiches are delicious.